1. Body mass is indirectly proportionate to the amount of laundry a person can create.
2. An enormous wardrobe may not seem necessary for a person who can’t even find his own hands on a good day, but it comes in handy for someone who stands an excellent chance of peeing in or vomiting on every outfit he wears. See #1.
3. A body weight of 8 pounds and change does not inhibit a body’s ability to fart like an old man. See #1.
4. My 30-year-old self has maintained my 22-year-old self’s college-era ability to be up half the night without being too miserable the next day. Unfortunately, instead of begging for beer, I am begging my son to please go to sleep.
5. I am not nearly as high-maintenance as I thought. The fact that I can’t leave the house alone without 17 armloads of stuff to get me through the day suddenly pales in comparison to the amount of stuff required by someone who doesn’t even know what the word “stuff” means. See #1.