I was at a party this weekend with a handful of new queer parents. Some of the babies were adopted, some were conceived with donor sperm (purchased frozen I think in every case rather than obtained warm from a known donor).
At some point the conversation turned to the issue of sharing information about birth parents and sperm donors with people other than our children. Some felt that that our kids should be the first to have this information, so other people shouldn’t know much about the circumstances of the adoption/conception/birth until our children are old enough to hear it themselves.
One person made the point that it’s rare for a child to be the holder of that information, since much of it is general knowledge already when a child is parented by two biological parents.
Some people are taking a modified approach, sharing some carefully selected information but holding back other information. Others are sharing information freely to make sure they don’t inadvertently send the message that there is anything to be ashamed of.
And of course the issues aren’t identical for adopted children and children born via donor sperm.
Anyway, it made me really curious to hear more perspectives. If you are a birth parent who has contact with your child, an adoptive parent, a parent whose child was conceived via donor sperm or any other less-than-straightforward way, how do you handle it? If you’re not yet a parent but you think about these issues in your own future, what’s your take on it?
I’m purposely not sharing where we are on this in this post because I really want to hear different perspectives, but if people are interested I’ll talk about it in a near-future post.