My latest post, Have two, use none, about the negotiations around how to have a baby when your family has two uteruses, is up at Lesbian Family dot org.
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Just wanted to say — I am intrigued by the desire to “experience pregnancy.” If you really don’t care about having a bio connection — then what is it about experiencing pregnancy that is driving you? Is it a subliminal biologica urge, simple curiosity? Having two bio sons, one late second semester miscarriage, and one adopted daughter, I must admit the 9 months of pregnancy has nothing to do with my kids or my parenting. I am not downplaying the bio connection — that goes on and on and on and will have ramifications for my sons and daughter forever — she will be wondering about her birth family, while I am able to look at my sons and see my father and my brothers and husband in them etc etc. But the actual time in utero? I occasionally dream about it, but bet your dreams are as realistic as mine. I don’t really remember it. I do remember being very inward focused. Feeling inside my body mentally all the time. I only remember childbirth only through the stories and my reconstructed you know what after two fourth degree tears. AND pregnancy flies by in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, I really am curious as to what you think drives you — if you want to share. (I must admit that the best part for me of birthing the boys was breastfeeding and you managed to do that with Roo, anyway!!)
DSL – it’s a great question, and I wish I could answer it. I’m actually surprised that it DOES still matter to me after having Roo. I certainly can’t imagine loving him any more if he had come from my body, and it’s so much fun to look forward to finding out who he will be without having any expectation that he will be like me or like NSG. As you said, it’s probably some part biological urge, some part curiousity. But the jury’s still out about whether it’s something I have to do – that’s what I’m not so sure about.
But hearing about your experience as both a bio- and adoptive mom helps!
Sometimes I am sad to have missed out on nursing. But the more I have thought about why, the more I realize it has nothing to do with Nat. I am convinced she has had the best possible food since we brought her home and my breastmilk wouldn’t have been better for her than what we did.
But I missed the opportunity to nurse a baby. It’s me that feels I missed something. And yet, I doubt if I had done it, I’d feel any more bonded to her–we had loads of skin-to-skin slinging and rocking and feeding. It’s just a thing that seems cool–feeding a baby from my body.
I have never particularly felt the same way about pregnancy though. In fact, when Nat came home at a low birthweight, wearing preemies that were still too big for her, I couldn’t fathom pushing her out of my vagina! Let alone a baby 2 lbs bigger that I might’ve gestated with much higher quality prenatal care. And since being in the mom’s group and hearing lots of birth stories and post-birth body stories, overall, I’d just as soon have this wonderful child without putting my body through all that.
One annoying thing that I just have to deal with is the fact that plenty, plenty, plenty of people–mothers and others–just don’t believe you’re a real mother or really love your child “the same” if you haven’t given birth. That’s annoying. Truly. But damned if I’m going to give birth just to prove I love Nat the same and was as good a parent before the bio experience.
It’s their problem.
You don’t love them the same, but you love them the same!
Check out the conversation over at anti-racist parent? I would link if I knew how. Whether parents love their a-children more or less than their bio-children — stemmed from an Angelina Jolie comment. Comments are interesting.
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