The drain

This is it, my friends: my last post.

I moved to this blog a while back because the other one was not anonymous enough, and I purposely did not give this address to family members or close friends (the only exception being a handful of people I had met through blogging). Despite having a new address with no names attached to it – mine or anyone else’s – more than one person who I had understood would not be reading this blog has found it and identified me. Already one friendship took a hit because someone I asked not to read this blog did some detective work and found me. This friendship is only now beginning to recover.

This happened again recently, and several people are very hurt.  I betrayed the trust of someone very important to me, and I don’t know what it will take to heal that. There will be plenty of fallout from this. And, to my formerly anonymous reader: I’m sorry. I don’t have better words for it right now. But I hope you know that I would never in a million years have done this on purpose, and I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret it.

I have counted – naively, obviously – on the anonymity of this blog when I have posted information here about my family, my friends, my marriage, and my son’s adoption. I know that everyone says that whatever you post on the internet is fair game, but obviously I didn’t listen carefully enough. So now I’ve hurt someone very important to me, and I’m also painfully aware that I put some things out there that I would not have shared with the person who has been reading this.

I’ve loved blogging. NSG has asked me why I can’t just keep a journal, but the feedback from other people and the connections I’ve made with other people have been at least as valuable as the opportunity to record pieces of my life. The support in particular around open adoption – the perspectives from first moms and from adoptive parents living open adoption – has been nothing less than life-changing for me, and I’m very grateful. There’s no way I could have made those kinds of connections outside the internets.

I’ll miss that, but the cost of doing this keeps going up, and it’s way too expensive now. So I’m out.

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36 Responses to The drain

  1. Marcy says:

    I hope everything works out. I’ll miss you.

  2. shirky says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    man I hate when this happens.

  3. Dawn says:

    Oh no! I’m sorry!! Is there any way you’d be comfortable blogging more as yourself and sharing less? I disguise A LOT in my blogging when I need to talk about a situation that involves other people.

  4. Sparkles says:

    Damn…just had to do this as well. Had moved to a different blog and somehow was tracked down as well. It sucks, doesn’t it?

    Most of the time I’m ok with it, but I have to admit how much I miss it. And I’ll miss your blog as well. Thank you for sharing all this time and good luck with the future. I wish you and your family many wonderful healthy years…

  5. Erin says:

    Oh, I really really don’t want you to go! Any possibility of password protection? Probably not but I’m grasping at straws here. I’ve absolutely loved reading about your family and wanted to hear more about Roo as he gets bigger and about how your family grows in the future. I’ll be really sad to see you go.

    Thank you so much for sharing of yourself and your family. I hope that the future brings you wonderful things.

  6. Susanna says:

    I am really sorry. Your blog gave me an insight in a very different life than my own, showed my other perspectives and made me more sensitive to adoption and its realted topics.
    I wish you and your family all the best!

  7. Lisa V says:

    I have some ideas, I will share them off blog. I don’t want you to go.

  8. lothyn says:

    Oh, I’ll miss your smart and funny. Thanks for all that you’ve put into this blog.

    From this blog I’ve directed people at adoption resources you’ve recommended, we’ve had many discussions about anti-racist and queer parenting, and we’ve also stopped with the new years resolution thing.

    I hope that you can find a way to get your ideas and your stories out there – a way that allows you to keep writing for good in the big world while also maintaining your closer relationships. You have important things to say, and your voice is unique. good luck!

  9. Deb says:

    I will miss your voice (I usually lurk) and your experiences with open adoption.
    All my best wishes to you and your family — and if you are keeping a list of readers in the event that you start blogging again elsewhere, please add me to it (see how optimistic I am!!).

  10. Clementine says:

    Oh no–I’m so sorry. I’ll miss reading your blog.

  11. Lucky says:

    I, too, will miss your blog. I enjoy your writing, and I appreciate your perspective and insights on adoption and queer parenting. Thanks for all that you shared. Many blessings to you and your family.

  12. sster says:

    I always blog as if everyone I know reads it everyday. It’s obviously not the case, but it could potentially become so (and has before in ways I never expected, prompting me to remove posts). I also have people who have specifically asked me not to blog about them so I don’t. My hands feel tied really, really often–most of what’s going on in my life I can’t blog about. BUT I love, love having this community. So there are ways to do it. That said, do what you need to do and we’ll all understand (as sad as we’ll be!)

    Love you!

  13. Jenn says:

    Sorry, that really sucks. If you ever decide to blog again probably the only thing you can do is, unfortunately for your readers, never tell anyone who reads now about it… really, never tell anyone about it. People will find it on their own… never say anything to identify yourself. Even lie and say you live somewhere you don’t. Certainly don’t carry over anything.

    Well you probably know all that. Good luck to you, NSG and Roo, sorry for the blog fallout. Shitty.

  14. Christine says:

    I am so sorry that the blog that fed a need in your life has created difficulty. Best wishes to you and your beautiful family. You will be missed.

  15. techie says:

    Bummer. I’m sorry.

    The best to you and your family.

  16. Mary Lynn S. says:

    Waaaaaahhhhh!!! No, No, No! I only found you and your excellent blog such a short time ago!! And it has quickly become my favourite. I truly enjoy your point of view, and think you’re really funny and honest and all that good stuff. I even checked out some of your flickr pics (my hubby & I went kayaking in PEI on our honeymoon). You sound like a great mom, btw.

    I understand totally why you have to quit though.

    But one suggestion for you and your life: keep writing. You are a wonderful writer with a unique voice.

  17. Sarah says:

    So sad to see you go! I didn’t have time to read all the comments so apologize if some one already said this. https://www.blogger.com/start has invite only blogs. We used one to chronicle our adoption journey when we had details to share that were just too private and in some cases maybe just not a good idea to tell the public until it was all said and done. This way you know who is reading as they have to sign in with a google account. Just a thought!

    I have a blog that I hope is anonymous but I know it’s not completely, not enough. I fear I’ll some day learn this lesson you have, but am trying to avoid it!

    Sarah

  18. ~ d says:

    sorry to hear this… that you’re leaving and that someone was hurt by something you wrote… I struggle with this and am repairing a friendship almost ruined by a misunderstanding generated from my blog. Anyway, I’m not a commenter of your blog (usually), but I’ve been a reader for a while and have appreciated your insight and thank you for sharing your journey to becoming Roo’s moms and subsequently parenting him. Many blessings to you and may you find the outlet and community (and safety) you are looking for.

  19. carolion says:

    I discovered your blog only recently and am so sorry to see you go. as a young (ish) queer without any older (ish) queer families in my life, I have really appreciated your candor about complex/difficult/funny/mundane/joyful experiences I will likely encounter as I start my own family. best wishes to you and yours.

  20. artsweet says:

    I’m sorry. I will miss your voice and your humor especially.

    And I still really want to know what you think of Juno.

  21. Susan says:

    Oh, I”m so sorry your blog (and/or the actions of people working to track it down) have caused such pain. Selfishly, I hope you find a way to maintain some connections to the corner of the blogosphere that you find welcoming–I have learned so much from you, and am thankful for your words.

    And your honest reflections of your life, your relationships….I believe you when you say you have caused pain, but the overall impression of your life and your world from your blog is one of honesty, integrity, compassion, and love.

  22. Laurie says:

    Welll crap. That bites. I’m so sorry to see you go. I’ve truly enjoyed learning of your journey with open adoption. I love your humour and honesty in your writing. I will very much miss reading your blog with my morning coffee. I am also soooo sorry that you are suffering from damaged relationships caused by an outlet that was so positive for you.

    Will miss you and hearing about the AMAZING Roo.

    Laurie

  23. Liza says:

    Add my voice to the chorus of “oh no!”

  24. Lo says:

    I emailed you an idea….I do hope you find a way to keep blogging, but wish you all the best in any case.

  25. shannon says:

    We’ll miss you!

    I’m with Dawn, why not go UNanonymous and just share less? That’s my strategy, too.

  26. gypsygrrl says:

    i try and check in every week or so (i have a crappy blogroll and method of getting to whom i love to read) but i always have loved your writing and everything you have shared.

    wishing you and your lovely family well in everything.
    you will be sorely missed.

  27. Poor_Statue says:

    I’m also sad to see you go. Blogging is hard. You want to stay public so that you can meet people and get support, but being public opens you up to being found.

    The knowledge that some of my friends and family read my blog is part of why I stopped it. I always knew they read it, but got tired of censoring.

  28. pinkpoppies says:

    I am dismayed and yet I undertstand why you feel you must do this. I have learned so much and have enjoyed your voice and experiences. Take care and keep me, as others have asked, in the loop. Cheers and hugs, Pink

  29. Julie says:

    No! I’m going to miss you and Roo and mentions of NSG. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts since you were waiting all the way through now–I so wish you could stick around, but like everyone else, I understand the pressures and pitfalls of blogging. If you can, keep in contact once in a while. Give Roo an extra hug for J.

  30. fostermommy says:

    I’m going to miss reading of your exploits. I love adoption blogs, especially “anonymous” ones, because people really *talk* about adoption.

    I hope you find a place for your voice somewhere where you feel comfortable and can still get the feedback you enjoy. If you do, I hope I chance upon you again.

  31. Margie says:

    I’m really sorry to hear this. Although I’m a sporadic reader everywhere lately, I always love coming here and hearing your thoughts. I’ll miss that.

    I hope you’ll keep thinking about a way to stay online – maybe more openness, but firmer lines about topics? Whatever your final decision, I hope you’ll let everyone know how you are from time to time.

    All the best to you, NSG and Roo!!!

  32. Dina says:

    Bleck, sorry, I’ve loved reading you. Let me know if you start up a password protected blog 🙂

  33. Donna says:

    I’ll Miss you too-You were my first! Take care and take care of your wonderful family!

  34. Sanjay says:

    What a great this child I hope he’skeep thinking about a way to stay onlin.

  35. Margie says:

    I’ve enjoyed your writing and your point of view. Best of luck, and hopefully you’ll find a way to come back online someday.

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